Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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