I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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