dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
