Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
