i will never coherently bang her
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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