she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
