I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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