you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
