Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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