I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
