You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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