I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
