she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
