Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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