...so i touched it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
