My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
