I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
