Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
