i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
