You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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