Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
