Only a mothe r could love this liver
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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