it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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