I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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