I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
