I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
