Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
someone owes me an orgasm
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
