god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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