Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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