Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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