Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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