I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
