He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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