Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
