Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
your room smells of hookers.
And success
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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