I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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