my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize