sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I want her autograph on my taint
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
