textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
