im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
