Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
