I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
