just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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