I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
