It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
