I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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