Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dignity is for republicans.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
