Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
