I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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