ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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