Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
