I feel great
I just peed on a car
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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