There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
