your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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