Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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