At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
