You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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