My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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