i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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