I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
